The tricky part is that, very often, the person you’re taking care of knows how hard it is. Whether or not they can express it, they understand that you’re giving up social activities, cutting back on work, and spending money out of your savings account. They know you’re tired at the end of the day—and that you’re still tired when you wake up in the morning.

Feeling like a burden

When older adults realize they’re causing those complications in their loved one’s lives, they may begin to feel like a burden. They also know that they may continue to decline—and become more dependent on their caregivers as they do.

As a result, some may appear resistant to their caregivers’ efforts to help them, when they’re really trying to hold on to a little bit of independence and reduce the effect of their needs on their caregivers.

Most can’t (or won’t) share the feelings they’re having, but there are some who freely use the word burden to describe themselves in relation to their caregivers. Ray, 79, is one of them. He has serious chronic health conditions and needs extensive support from his wife and other caregivers.

“My wife won’t say it, but I see she’s tired,” he says. “She does so much for me. She’s done things for me that I would never expect to have another person do."

Ray knows that his frustration with losing independence can make him prickly.

“I know I’m a burden to her. I’m not an easy man to take care of,” he says. “I get frustrated, and I take it out on her.”

Ray has a great ability to describe his feelings about not being able to drive, about losing independence, and about his wife’s tendency to tell him what to do.

“She’s likes to get things done, keep things moving,” he says. “But the way she says things to me, it sounds like she’s giving me orders. I never liked taking orders, even when I was in the armed forces.”

Ray’s friend, Doris, who also relies on caregivers, is quick to remind him that his wife means well and takes care of him out of love. He knows that. But it still irks him.

“It makes it sound like I’m an idiot,” says Ray. “I know she doesn’t mean anything by it, but it’s still hard.”

Being aware of physical and cognitive loss

At 82, Doris lives in supportive housing—a place where she has her own bedroom and there's a common area shared with several other people. She goes to an adult day health program multiple times a week to enjoy some social time and get her medical care.

“I was so used to being independent. It’s hard for me to ask for help, to depend on other people,” she says, noting that hip surgery has limited her mobility. If she needs a ride, she must wait until someone, like her daughter or a friend, has time to drive her. “I used to be the one who took care of everyone else.”

And like many people with mild or early-stage dementia, Doris is aware that she has some memory loss. That awareness doesn’t prevent her from needing to ask the same question repeatedly, though. But it does mean that she gets frustrated and upset when a caregiver says, “I already told you that.”

With these challenges comes a sense of loss that she can’t always express. Doris doesn’t want to cause stress for her loved ones, but she very much wants to be part of the conversation and play a role in their lives.

“If I make suggestions, it seems like they get so angry sometimes. I know they’re adults and can make their own decisions,” she says. “I just want to be part of their lives, as a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. And I get offended when they get angry. It’s hard for me when they don’t want my advice. They all have their families, and I want to be part of that.”

Accepting changes

Ken, 69, who is paralyzed, lives at home with his wife, even though he deals with multiple issues after having 4 strokes in 10 years. Not being able to communicate easily or move around on his own is incredibly frustrating for him.

“It’s so annoying,” he says. But he has great concern for his wife. Even though his grown children visit him each weekend, Ken says she’s “tired all the time.”

His advice to caregivers? “Don’t do it alone.”

As a caregiver, you must seek the support you need from professionals, family, and friends so you can help your loved one over the long term. Doris also suggests trying to see things from the point of view of the person in need of care.

“Don’t get upset if I say something or ask a question more than once. I’m just concerned or making conversation,” she says. “If I’ve already told you, can you just say ‘okay’? Don’t remind me that I’ve forgotten. It upsets me. Can you just accept how I’ve changed?”

It’s a simple question, but it’s difficult to answer, whether you’re the one receiving care or giving it. All you can do is keep trying to accept each change as it comes and being as understanding as you can.

The importance of emotional support

With all that your loved one is feeling and experiencing, helping them to feel seen, heard, and understood can do wonders for their outlook. And that can make the act of caregiving a bit easier—for them and for you. Here are some things you can do to help your loved one feel like less of a burden.

1. Ask for their input. If you’re helping with daily tasks or making plans for activities, ask them what they think they need or what they would like. This will help them feel they’re part of the decision-making process for their own well-being.
2. Encourage them to be as independent as possible. Support them in doing things on their own—even if it takes longer than it once did. Being as autonomous as possible can help boost their confidence and sense of worth.
3. Focus on their strengths. Highlighting their capabilities and the positive contributions they can make may minimize the frustration and sadness they feel about things they can no longer do.
4. Talk openly and honestly about their feelings. This will let them know they’re loved and valued.
5. Treat them with respect and dignity. Their situation is different than it once was, but they’re still a person with thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Showing respect helps them to know that you understand that.

Guilt and grief  Relationships