It’s not easy to take care of someone else—especially another adult. You have enough on your plate managing your own health and responsibilities. So, when you take on someone else’s, it’s often extra stressful.

When you became a caregiver, you may have expected extra stress. But there’s one source of stress that often takes caregivers by surprise—a loved one’s resistance to help and suggestions.

What may also be surprising is that this isn’t unusual. A person who’s having a physical or cognitive decline may:

• Push away their family and friends
• Ignore medical advice
• Continue to do things that are no longer safe
• Say hurtful or inappropriate things

Your loved one’s non-cooperation and active defiance may make it more difficult for you to provide necessary care or put new safety measures in place. This resistance and negativity may also bring up feelings that you wish you weren’t having, like anger, impatience, guilt, confusion, frustration, and depression.

Try to see their side

From your perspective as a caregiver, it may seem that everything would be better if only your loved one would stop being unreasonable and start cooperating. But the difficult behavior you see may be their attempt to maintain some control and a sense of independence.

Look at the situation from your loved one’s perspective. Whether physical or cognitive, decline can be accompanied by a strong sense of loss for the person experiencing it. As the ability to do things independently declines and dependence increases, frustration can grow.

Driving is a common pain point—especially when a loved one continues to drive long after it’s advisable. If you haven’t dealt with this, then you probably know someone who has. When giving up driving, there’s a tangible and symbolic loss of independence that goes with it. This can be difficult to accept. When you turn over your car keys, you become more dependent on others. So, many people refuse to look at their driving objectively because they fear that they’ll have to admit it’s time to stop.

Don’t dote too much

Sometimes resistance is your loved one’s way of trying not to be a “burden.” For example, they may have cognitive loss and know how the situation is affecting those around them. The anger and frustration may come from the fact that they can’t escape being reliant on others. 

Your or your family’s response may be to dote on your loved one—and that may be taken as a confirmation that they’re a burden. In that situation, it can help to pull back a little and let other family, friends, or professionals do some of the work of caregiving, so you can work at other parts of relationship and keep it healthier.

Make decisions together

Even if you’re not able to strike a perfect balance, trying to understand the emotional conflict your loved one is experiencing—while also being practical and effective in managing their care—can go a long way toward calming the situation.

Many families think, “We want mom to go to an adult day health center five days a week.” But they fail to ask Mom what she wants. So, when she finds out she hasn’t been consulted on this important decision, she becomes resistant to the idea of going to a center at all.

In a case like this, leaving mom out of the decision process isn’t intentional. The focus is on trying to find efficient and effective solutions for the situation. That alone can be consuming.

While there will be some decisions that must be made quickly, the person receiving care should still have a voice—even if they can’t get their thoughts in order, and even if what they want is unrealistic. When decisions are taken away, they may feel like they’re losing control and aren’t being treated as an adult. They also may not be able to articulate their feelings to you.

Enlist the help of friends and family

If your attempts at having discussions leave your loved one feeling angry or resistant, it may be time for a different approach.

Sometimes a person rejects his or her caregiver’s advice but will accept that same advice from a different source. Is there someone else your loved one may listen to, like a friend, neighbor, or relative? Enlist that person’s help.

Maybe you have a friend without a driver’s license who uses taxis or other ride services. Or maybe a relative has a calming demeanor that can help set and maintain the tone for an important conversation between you and your loved one.

You may also want to invite others to become more involved in helping with your loved one’s care—that’s another way to ease the stress on you and on your relationship.

Talk to health care providers

You can also ask a doctor, physical therapist, pharmacist, or other health care professional to speak to your loved one or recommend an approach for managing the situation.

Health issues and medical treatments may also affect behavior and attitude. Check with your loved one’s health care providers to see if that could be the case. If your loved one is displaying aggression or physically abusive, contact his or her provider immediately.

Acknowledge your feelings

In everything you’re doing for your loved one, you have their best interests in mind. So, when there’s resistance or negativity, you may feel unappreciated. You may also experience frustration, resentment, or doubt about what you’re doing and why. This can lead to feelings of anger and guilt.

It’s ok to have these emotions—they’re normal. Acknowledging your feelings is important. It can help you learn what triggers them. And understanding those triggers can help you be more mindful about when and how you express your feelings (and to whom). It will also help you recognize when to take a break, even if it’s just for 5 minutes to take some deep breaths.

Acknowledging your emotions also gives you an opportunity to assess what’s working for your loved one and what isn’t. Then you can adjust what you’re doing (and how) to keep them safe and well.

Remember you’re not alone. Although it doesn’t always feel like it, there is a village of people around you who can help you care for your loved one. Reach out to them for help.

Originally posted: November 2018
Last updated: February 2024

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Relationships