How to involve family and friends in helping with caregiving

Being a caregiver can be rewarding. But it may also be filled with responsibilities that can weigh heavily on you. 

When your loved one’s needs increase—and the demands on you also increase—that weight can feel overwhelming. It can feel impossible to keep up. You have no time to yourself. No time to think. No time to take a break and relax. No time to visit your own doctor or even get your hair cut.

When you’re under this type of pressure, it should be obvious that you need help, right? After all, you’re carrying the responsibilities of someone else’s life on top of your own, and you’re just one person. 

Well, you might be surprised. Unless other people—including your family and friends—have spent some time in your shoes, they often don’t realize what they don’t know about caregiving.

Why viewpoints on caregiving vary

Generally speaking, people tend to see either only what’s in front of them or only what they want to see. So, for those who are misinformed or unfamiliar with being a caregiver, it may appear that you’re handling the situation so well that you don’t really need their help—even if you do ask for it now and then. 

Additionally, the family member who’s the main caregiver is often called “the strong one,” because it seems like they can manage everything on their own. That sentiment may be intended as a compliment, but it may also be viewed as a way to avoid the situation. So, when hearing a comment like that, some caregivers may feel resentful.

It’s also possible that some family members and friends are uncomfortable with certain caregiving tasks. Others may worry that volunteering for a small task will lead to a commitment that’s beyond what they can manage.

Emotions also play a big role in how the role of caregiving is perceived. Your friends and family may have difficulty with their own feelings about your loved one’s need for care and, therefore, are choosing to avoid the situation. And if there are any unresolved relationship issues, those can rise to the surface when a loved one has serious health care needs.

3 tips for asking for help

There are ways to get around these issues. Think about how you have asked for help in the past (if you have) and consider different approaches to making requests—so you get the support you need to avoid caregiver burnout and depression. It’s important for family and friends to be able to assist in a way that helps you and your loved one, while also being comfortable for them.

1. Think small.

Sure, a weekend away would be great. But having someone else take over caregiving duties, even for an hour or two, can provide a rejuvenating break from worrying about your loved one’s safety and well-being.

2. Be specific.

Ask for help with a specific task and define the amount of time it would take. That makes it easier for you to ask—and easier for others to accept or counter offer.

3. Match the right task with the right person.

• A neighbor can garden with your loved one while you make dinner.
• Your loved one’s sibling or friend can play cards with your loved one for an hour so you can keep your own medical appointment or get an important health screening.
• A teenaged niece, nephew, or neighbor can mow the lawn, so you don’t have to leave your loved one alone while you do it yourself.
• If you have kids getting off the bus when your loved one is dropped off after a day program, they can have a brief visit together while you do a few things around the house. Set a timer, so the expectation is determined ahead of time.

Bonus tips from the Family Caregiver Alliance

1. Keep a list of things that need doing.

Giving helpers a choice will help them understand what’s expected.

2. Time your request wisely.

If your family member is tired or had a bad week, wait for a better time.

3. Involve lots of helpers.

That way, you don’t end up asking the same person repeatedly.

Be prepared for reluctance or a refusal. It may be a bad time, or some people may feel uncomfortable the first time they’re asked. Give them time to think about it. You can always ask again later.

Respite time is your time

How you use your time away is up to you. Whether it’s for a mundane chore or an activity you used to take for granted, doing things for yourself can help reduce your stress—and avoid caregiver burnout and depression. 

Catch a movie with a friend, do the grocery shopping alone, go to the gym, or get the routine blood work your doctor ordered. Do the things that you need to do. It’ll help your life feel more normal.

So, think about the family members you’d like to reach out to—and remember the offers of help you’ve had from others. It’s time to let them know how they can make a difference.

Originally posted: June 2017
Last updated: March 2024