Prepare in advance

If you have siblings or other relatives who are involved, share what you’ve observed and ask for their advice and support. They can help you figure out what level or type of care is needed and when. 

Getting others involved early can decrease the burden on you, take away some stress, and reduce some surprises. As a caregiver, it’s important to reflect on how much you can realistically do and learn how to ask for help when you need it. 

Before you talk with your loved one about the possibility of needing more care, take some time to gather your thoughts. Considering what you want to say—and why—beforehand can help you be clear, to the point, and compassionate when the time comes. 

Plan to have the conversation early

Don’t wait for a crisis—talk about the possibility of increased care before your loved one really needs it. Because when a situation is urgent, you’re more likely to have limited choices, and your decisions must be made quickly, causing even more stress.

Ideally, you should have care-related discussions when everyone involved with decision-making is calm. You’ll all be able to think more clearly and make better, more informed choices when you’re not facing emotional distress.

Having the discussion

When you sit down to talk with your loved one, frame the conversation by providing options, not decisions that have already been made. This will help your loved one feel involved in the process—and it can soften the blow if your loved one is going to lose some independence. 

If your loved one feels sad or frustrated about the situation, be empathetic. Let them know you understand and care about how they feel. You may not be able to put yourself in their shoes, but you can tell them you know it’s hard for them and—most importantly—that their feelings matter. Tell them that support is available to help them be as independent as possible.

If your loved one resists help and doesn’t want any (or more) care, find out why. Asking questions lets your loved one have time and space to talk about how they feel about making changes. 

Let them know their safety is your priority—that when their environment is safe, it significantly reduces their risk of injury and will help them stay out of the hospital or a skilled nursing facility. 

Emphasize that no decision is permanent. If a new care situation isn’t working out, the family can discuss it and find alternatives. Let your loved one know that there are other choices, and that alternatives to the plan can be considered as their health improves or declines.

Don’t promise your loved one that nothing will change. It’s impossible to predict what tomorrow will bring. Having to break your promise can easily result in hurt feelings, mistrust, and anger if your loved one feels betrayed or let down. And you may feel guilty if you need to go back on your word.

After the conversation

Once you and your loved one have talked, prioritize what needs to be done. Decide which tasks are urgent and which can wait. Ask family and friends, or find outside resources, to help take care of critical needs first. Then, the non-urgent tasks will be easier to manage. 

It’s also important to keep other family members informed of your discussions, so everyone is aware of how future needs will be met. Should your loved one need more care, the plan will be clear.
Even though you’re trying to keep your loved one as independent as possible, they may feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or scared. As a result, they may end up refusing aspects of important care needs. 

Keep the conversation going. Talk with your loved one about what’s important now and do your best to encourage them to get through those important things right away. Then, take a break. You can go back to the less urgent responsibilities later when the frustration level is lower.

Once the new care plan is in effect, help your loved one be as independent as possible. Support them in doing what they can on their own, such as completing a chore, getting ready in the morning, or making something for lunch. Being as independent as possible benefits their overall health and happiness.

For example, doing part or all of a daily task themselves will give them a feeling of accomplishment, boosting confidence and self-esteem. It will also promote being active, which supports strength and mobility.

Supporting your loved one’s ability to make decisions for themselves is also important. When they can make their own choices, it’s empowering. It helps them keep their sense of self and value, which can counteract feelings of depression. It can also encourage them to continue taking part in activities they enjoy as well as keep up with important relationships. All are vital to emotional well-being.

Originally posted: April 2019
Last updated: November 2026

More...